Shifting Slowly

I’ve forgiven my body for losing you
I’ve long made peace with it not being able to hold you
I’ve forgiven my body for its round belly
For never going back to its former self, before you
Before her
It is because of you two that I have this shape
This shape I once tried to starve, hide under baggy clothing and put it through every new workout
I tried dancing it off, running it off, crunching it off
But late in the night, I would cry as I stepped out of showers and wondered, where was I anymore? Why did this matter so much?
The asanas brought me peace
They are the only thing that helped me see past this physical place
Passed my belly
Passed my thighs
Passed the reflection in the mirror

It is through breath I was able to see the miracle that my body is
It carried you
One to your eventual peace
And the other to this Earth
This body of mine made life
How many amongst us can say that with miracle in their voice?
So many are struggling with what I was able to accomplish
We created life!
Say that out loud
Shout it!
Yell it out to the skies, WE CREATED LIFE!
A heartbeat inside of us before it made its way to this place

When I look at my belly now, the extra parts that stick out above my pants, the thighs that stick out even before I’ve sat down
I remember that me and this body have been through hell and back together

She helped and saw me through dark places
She has laughed with me in the wildest of nights
And pushed me through pains I never knew I’d have to encounter over and over again

My body has traveled to far off places
And to the beaches of my youth, remembering simpler times
When my body didn’t mean much to me
I shrugged clothes on and tied sneakers to my feet without a care about what was underneath

It is as I started to become aware of what my body can do that I began to love her
She can stretch and reach places and bend in ways I never understood could heal
My heart can truly reach up to the sky as I bend in camel pose and feel the light of God being poured into it
This is what has brought me peace
This is my healing

It is simple
At first, I thought too simple
Breathe into my pain? I scoffed at the teacher
And now it’s all I can remember to do when I need to make peace with my body
Breathe into the pain in order to open myself up to the possibility that I still know very little about this ever-expanding life before me
That if I stop, dead in my tracks, stand still for a moment, the breath can lead me to deeper places I am still discovering within me

I am not just made of flesh and bone
I have places inside of me I have not traveled to yet and I am discovering each day through each breath and stretch
For this I am grateful
For this, I stay open for
For this, I find my peace
And forgive myself for ever thinking my body has failed me

Searching outside of me is no longer an escape
All the answers lay inside of this body I call mine
I call beautiful
I call a miracle