Shifting Slowly

(quote by @hellooctober)

Stop seeking validation, meaning, understanding, clarity & love outside of you.
Validate yourself.
Find meaning in yourself.
Understand yourself.
Find the clarity you seek in your heart.
Above all, love yourself.
We often seek these things in people & places. In our past or hope to find them in the future.
The present moment, stillness, your breath, quietly listening to the words in your heart, it is all there. All you seek is there.

I recall the times in my life I’d read this advice, to look within me & I had no idea what it meant. I thought to find stability outside of me; job, home, family, a tribe, abundant materials & money, would balance me, make me happy, validate my existence. We are taught this, but these things are add-ons to your life. They are ‘bonuses’, if you will.
It’s when you begin to lose sanity & feel anxious even with all these outside things you quickly realize 2 things: everything you’ve been taught is a lie & holy shit, I’m fucked! Panic mode sets in. You begin calculating all the things you have; money, a home, a tribe, a family, a job. What’s missing? Then you start to think you’re ungrateful and feel guilty for not appreciating these things. And so, the ungratefulness on top of the guilt on top of the validation seeking is just a mixture of misunderstandings. We have been taught wrong, that’s all. We have been told all our lives that things outside of you, the things you possess and attain and succeed at, are who you are. It’s those things that make the whole of you and once you don’t feel whole after all these “things”, is when the real journey begins.
The journey of self-reflection. Going on this journey takes time, effort, resilience and most of all, presence. It takes for you to be present in every single moment of your life so you can pinpoint what is valid and what isn’t. How do you stay present? What does one do after they’ve lived their whole life trying to figure out their past mistakes so as not to do them again and living for a future that hasn’t happened? How do you stay focused enough to stay present? And isn’t it such a time waster if you’re not spending all of your time thinking about how to right your wrongs and do everything you can to secure your future?

Let’s get one thing straight, nothing and I mean, absolutely nothing is secure. Everything is impermanent. Once you figure that out, that’s when true presence settles in.
Impermanence means we all and all things have an expiration date and once that thought hits you, you begin to make the necessary changes to be more present. To live more fully in the moment, knowing that that is the only time we have. THIS. VERY. MOMENT. Even after just reading that sentence and this one and this one, it’s over, that is gone. The feeling you had reading it, is gone. All comes and goes in waves and it’s planting your feet in the sand that keeps you balanced as those waves come. Even then your footprints get washed away.

Staying present takes skill. It takes learning. It is not at all something you can start doing immediately and not lose patience with just as quickly. We live in a very fast-paced world around us and in us. Our brains are constantly moving to new thoughts or repeating the same thoughts over and over.

Start with a simple exercise, whatever it may be. Let’s take cooking for instance. Begin with staying present as you cook. Every ingredient you take out and start to chop or peel, talk to yourself and describe to yourself exactly what you’re doing as you’re doing it; “Opening the refrigerator. Pulling out the carrots. Taking 2 carrots out. Looking for the peeler. Found the peeler. It has a blue handle. Walking towards the kitchen sink to peel the carrots. Placing the carrot in my left hand as I peel with my right. Pieces of carrot skin falling into the sink.” This sounds ridiculous and time-consuming. However, how many times have we done something, cooked dinner and cut ourselves because we had our mind elsewhere or we burned the onions because we had our mind elsewhere or we just think of cooking as this huge task we just don’t want to do. Soon though, as you begin to really live in every moment, you realize how wonderful small things are. How from a few carrots you put a whole meal together. How staying present has allowed you not to think thoughts that you don’t want to think. Those anxious thoughts. It’s in the staying present that those unwanted thoughts eventually filter out and then go away. You begin to be able to control your thoughts because you are living in the very moment and there’s no room for other thoughts if you’re living moment by moment.

It gets easier and easier and no; you will not always be talking to yourself step by step about everything you’re doing. Eventually, you just start living more present. You realize that the past is gone and cannot be changed and the future is not promised, so corny enough, the present truly is like a present, a gift.

Learning to stay present is also done and encouraged through a daily meditation practice. You sit in silence with your eyes closed or semi-closed as you focus your attention on your breath. The inhale and the exhale. Your brain will go into other thoughts and you merely tell yourself what you’re doing to bring your focus back to your breath. You say to yourself “thinking” and once you label what you’re doing, you’re brought back to focus. And you’ll likely do this often throughout your practice in the beginning but eventually, you’ll settle in and you’ll find a meditation practice that works for you. There are so many, find what works for you.

In all of this, in all of these things, you will finally begin to realize who you really are as a person. You begin to see what things you like and no longer serve you. You realize that happiness is found in stillness and moments and understanding that nothing is permanent helps you enjoy it even more because you don’t want it to end. Impermanence also helps you understand that anxious emotions are not here to stay either. They too have a shelf life. Label your emotion; hurt, anger, confusion, anxiousness; and watch it float away. You’ll realize life is an ebb and flow of emotions and for each up there is a down and an up again. That you are only in control of your reaction to things, not how they turn out.

Validation comes from your heart. The thoughts swirling in your brain become fewer and fewer and eventually, it is your heart that speaks louder and you begin to listen more intently and recognize who you truly are and begin living those truths. And it’s in those truths that you understand everything outside of you means nothing if all that is in you hurts. And it’s in healing the hurt that you begin the journey to self-realization.