Shifting Slowly

Recently my wonderful sister friend and I decided that our podcast needed to be placed on hold. It seems like this was a long time coming but really it was only in the last few episodes that things began to dwindle. When we first began this endeavor our goal, our why, to this podcast was to reach people and help them spiritually get in tune with themselves through our own experiences, so that they could handle their life experiences.

We ran out of the gate hard and stayed consistent with our themes and conversations but somewhere along the way other things came into place. The date of when we were to publish our podcast came and went without publishing, being able to record became hard because we both have other lives to attend to and after we wrapped up discussing the Yamas/Niyamas, which are part of Patanjali’s 8 Limbs of Yoga and how to live a more purposeful life, it just seemed that the ‘Joie de Vivre’ of this podcast had just lost its way.

The thing about myself, is I think any and all things can be saved. Instead of just giving up and walking away, I thought that maybe there was a way to save this thing I wanted so badly. I wanted the podcast to succeed so badly because my end goal was to share my life experiences, my spiritual awakening, and to be able to help others cope with their lives. It was a platform to share our story and let others know they are not alone, there’s help, there’s a way.

So in speaking with my sister-friend I suggested that we begin freestyling the podcast. We just record our conversations because most often when she and I speak we are usually talking about life stuff; what’s currently happening with us, our kids, our past, how we’d fix it, what’s worked for us, etc. We thought in recording this way, it would sound more natural, free-flowing. Instead, the point just got lost. We just sounded like two women in their own worlds talking about things but not really including anyone else on it. We didn’t share facts or real tips on how to make things work for others. It wasn’t a podcast, it was a bitchfest and it’s not what either of us wanted.

Sometimes the things that sound great to you, don’t sound so great said out loud. We had many great tips on how to fix lives and how spirituality has helped us and how yoga and meditation play a big role in healing. But none of that was really reiterated into our podcast and it was just a fast-moving train going way off the track and before it crashed, we both decided to jump off.

Something happened though when that happened. I felt a little relieved but also a little hurt. I felt like she and I had this break up and I felt a little empty.  Like I should have picked the phone back up and said, “no, no, let’s try again. We can make this work.”

Instead, I sat there and let the hurt sink in and I sat in the pain and understood that it’s ok. It’s ok to hurt and sit in pain a bit. I was facing the reality of the situation. I was hurt that the thing I wanted most-to help others-didn’t work out and I was hurt that I couldn’t make this goal come to fruition. 

When you put something in your heart that you think is yours and that you think you are meant to do and it doesn’t work out, the first thing that happens is you beat yourself up thinking that you’re no good at listening. Thinking that somehow you didn’t get the message right.

The truth is, there will be things that work and don’t work out and the only way to find that out is by doing them. 

If I had sat around and never tried the podcast, I’d of always thought about it. Instead, I tried the thing that scared me the most, speaking out loud and although it didn’t work out in the way I wanted, it did help me in getting over my fear of public speaking.

From this podcast, I was able to restart my Open Mic nights. Years ago I had begun this spoken word open mic project and it went well for a few months, but I always kept it very low-key and it never went anywhere because I was afraid of my own success.

However, since starting the podcast and putting myself out there on a public platform, I restarted the open mic nights and have publicized it to the point that I have a waiting list of performers. 

And so that is the thing about doing something even when you’re not sure of how it’ll go. To do something scared is beneficial because it gets you out of your head and into your body. It allows you to open up space in you that is closed off to the fear of failing.  So instead of maybe failing, you don’t do it at all but live a life of wonder. Instead, trying the thing that scares you, teaches you about yourself, it helps you grow and expand, and changes the perception you have of yourself. It builds confidence and opens up doors you otherwise have kept closed to stay comfortable and small. 

We all live in fear of things and this fear can be so suffocating. Letting go and accepting things as they are, is living freely. It’s living in your truest form because you are not trying to control an outcome. You’re allowing yourself and life to perform at the same time and neither takes center stage. That is the goal of living a life not trapped in fear.