Shifting Slowly

So I’ve been a little perplexed lately by different ways people approach God. What do I mean? Most of my life I grew up in a household that believed in God, read the same bible, all listened to the same sermons and basically followed one way.

In my 20’s and 30’s I discovered that there are those that believe in many god’s and that there are other versions and translations of the Bible and holy books and that there are many ways people believe in something bigger than them, not necessarily God.

Then I turned 40 and something stirred in me and I began listening to the evangelical’s on television and following Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer. I liked their method of teaching, that God was closer than we thought, that he wanted success for all of us and lots of it, that success was at everyone’s fingertips and success, success, success. But something about it felt false and intangible. It felt versed and robotic and I didn’t find the spirituality in it. Matter of fact if I heard the name of Jesus spoken even once, that was a lot.

The sermons were ‘me’ based and what we could get from God, instead of what God has already done for us and what we can do to be obedient and do His will. What the Lord’s Prayer actually means, word for word, instead of the constant repetition of it. The chanting wasn’t real or substantial.

I began a long search of my own. I went to church every Sunday. Got really involved in church activities. Joined the chorus, cried while singing praises. Any time a church bell rang, I got shivers. But it was only Sunday’s. I still hadn’t made it my own. I hadn’t made God my own. I hadn’t truly understood the story of Jesus. What he did for us. What he still does for us. What he’s going to do for us. I didn’t get the depth of it all. And then Covid hit.

Everyone stayed home and churches were closed and the God I listened about on television just didn’t perk my ears up anymore. I went back to what I knew; manifestation, the ‘bigger thing’ out there, the ‘Universe’, the ‘power above me’, ‘source’, I literally gave it every title BUT God, BUT Jehovah or YHWH or Jah or Yahweh. I blindfolded myself and felt my way through Covid. I felt my way through god’s and sources and signs and yoga postures and meditations and chants and not one time picking up my bible.

In early 2023, I began to have anxiety again. I was so good at hiding it and pushing it down that no one knew. I drank it away, I laughed it away, I tv’d it away, I meditated away, I wrote it away, I busied it away, I worked it away but that piece of hell followed me everywhere. Every. Single. Place. it lurked and pointed at me and reminded me it wasn’t leaving until I was ready to talk and confront it. I hate confrontation!

So we were on our way to visit family in Buffalo and in that car ride I looked up at the sky that was turning into evening. The colors, the beauty and art that no human could ever stir together without the hand of God and I called Him. I said, “Jehovah.” It was the first time in over 20 years that I called Him by one of His names and not just God. I was broken. I was defeated. I was spent and tired and at a dead end and I couldn’t say out loud that I needed help. I knew what I needed. I needed Him and I had been running from Him into made up themes of Him because I thought I wasn’t worthy. I was made to feel that there was only one single way to Him. And if I wasn’t following that one way, that one religion, that one bible, He wasn’t interested in me. I realized that most of my anxiousness came from people that made me feel I wasn’t allowed to call Him my God or to speak about Him because I wasn’t following their version of Him, their religion. That God was not listening to me because I wasn’t doing it their way or as they teach ‘His way’ because I wasn’t reading their version of the Bible and following that path.

I was so very wrong!

We get to Buffalo and I begin slowly. I go into the Bible app I have on my phone and I decide that I am going to start having daily quotes sent to me. To remind myself that God is near. We head to church in the days to follow and I am sitting in this beautiful church and the sermon is happening and I am stirred up. I feel His presence. I am reminded that He wants me and that I need Him.

I return home with this new sense of reality, with this new idea of truly getting into my bible, truly reading it and understanding it. I go into the First5 app and I decide I am going to start with their bible studies. I then go on a search for bibles. I want a journaling bible and while I’m on this search I realize there are translations of the Bible that make sense. That are translated word for word but are written in today’s English. So I order a bible. I order the First5 study of 1&2 Corinthians-‘Wisdom for the Questions you have and Hope for the Discouragement you Feel.’ I mean, it was right up my alley!

I was veering off the church teachings I had been used to. Both the church I grew up in and the current church I was a part of. I was learning Christianity. I was going to read the Bible like a theologian, something I had the desire to do for years.

It was a few days after my return from Buffalo and I was scrolling on my phone and this woman comes up, Faith Womack. She is light hearted and spirited and full of this joy and wisdom and the smile on her face while holding her very used and worn in bible got me. I took one look at her bible and thought, THAT’S HOW I WANT TO READ THE BIBLE! I want to take in every inch of it. To understand it, the eat it up, to have folds in it and notes and underlines. Why? Because to me the Bible was always read to me, it was always explained to me by someone else, verses were thrown out there but I never actually underlined one thing in my bible. I don’t think I ever had it opened long enough to underline it or thought it was ok to mock up a bible like that. It always felt so sacred.

But here was this woman telling me and many others that there’s a way to read the Bible, to understand it, to understand God and Jesus, that the Holy Spirit is available to us, that wisdom, peace and understanding lie in God and that truly reading your bible and listening to sermons and commentary’s was going to be life changing. And I needed a life change. A true life change. Not a temporary one.

I needed my mind and heart renewed and I needed it by the very God that created my mind and heart.

Commentary’s, something I never, ever knew existed. Books and online sites that explain each and every verse of the Bible to you in layman’s terms. Where was this all my life??

And in 2023 my entire life changed.

I went from accepting that I’d live an anxious life forever and yoga it away or meditate it away to praying and a renewed mind and heart. To understanding Jesus and what he’s truly done for me, for us. To believing that God isn’t some source or thing but truly my Father, in Heaven. To what obedience means and what doing His will on earth and in heaven means. To saying the Our Father and meaning every single word. To living a daily life in accordance to His will and His voice and listening to Him. To finding every single answer in the Bible. To knowing my purpose. To leaving it to Him and not my decision. To truly letting go and letting God. To saying His name without feel guilt that I am not worthy enough. To humbling myself when my ego shows up and giving every single one of my worries to Him because that’s what he wants. He doesn’t want us to worry about anything, but in everything, I pray and petition and thank Him. And His peace, which transcends all understanding, guards my heart and mind through Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

So this is all to say, don’t stay stuck in old views or views that you grew up with. Don’t stay stuck in traditions and religions that tell you what to do but don’t show you who God and Jesus truly are and what they seek from you. Don’t think you can’t understand the Bible when there are so many translations that stay true to the original texts and there are tools online and off line and people that are willing to explain the Word to you. That God is attainable and reachable and not so far off at all. That He isn’t just found on a Sunday or through someone wearing a cassock. That He isn’t just found in that particular church or religion or way. That the Bible is so very relevant to today, to you, to your problems, and questions and thoughts and why’s.

Jesus sat with everyone, he preached to everyone and never played favorites. He was considered crazy by many. Talking about his father who no one could see. Talking about the things his father was going to do. Preaching the word, the way, the truth and he’s still preaching it today.

Get called crazy, who cares. I’d rather be called crazy and weird than ordinary and boring and know that I am doing the will I was created to do by Him that created me. I’d rather stop searching and questioning my purpose and living with anxiety when all I need to do is pick up the Word and read exactly what God wants me to know and direct me exactly where He wants me to be.

It’s true, this path isn’t easy, but it is meant for everyone. God isn’t exclusive. He belongs to us all but he’s not going to reach out and make you all His. He did that already when He created you and sent His only begotten son to die for you so that you can live with hope in a hopeless world. It’s on you to make that choice. To choose Him over yourself and your way and your choices and your ego and this world.

Once you choose Him, trust me, life gets lighter, bigger, happier, peaceful, joyous, hopeful. Let the light in.

The light that shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. – John 1:5